#9 His Eye Is on the Pharaoh (Exodus 4:21)

Exodus 4:21

And the Lord said to Moses, “When you go back to Egypt, see that you do before Pharaoh all the miracles that I have put in your power. But I will harden his heart, so that he will not let the people go.
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  I think every atheist who has been in the trenches has heard the "free will" argument from theists.  God seems uninterested in proving anything himself?  Free will!  Not a lot of people accepting your claim?  Free will!  So much trouble and immorality in the world?  Free will!  Here in Exodus we have an example of God flipping the dove to free will!  
  This isn't god "removed his grace" or "gave pharaoh over to his own desires" or such flimsy evasions like that.  God is actively tampering with the will of a human being here.  Sometime in the future I'll share Yahweh's other moments of "what free will?" in other passages and particular aspects of Christianity. (Tower of Babel, King Saul, doctrines holding predestination, "curses" in the Bible, King Ahab, and several other references & superhappyfun religious observances) 

Yahweh- the kind of guy who plays chess against himself (so he can win)

#8 Jizz on the Ground, Love in the Air (Genesis 38:6-26)

Another big chunk of scripture again!  This tale is more like several small tales in one bundle, so feel free to read the entire passage or just skip below to my summary.  Oh, and I hope you brought some tissue.
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Genesis 38:6-26

And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, and her name was Tamar.  But Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and the Lord put him to death.  Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother's wife and perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.”   But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his. So whenever he went in to his brother's wife he would waste the semen on the ground, so as not to give offspring to his brother.  And what he did was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and he put him to death also.  Then Judah said to Tamar his daughter-in-law, “Remain a widow in your father's house, till Shelah my son grows up”—for he feared that he would die, like his brothers. So Tamar went and remained in her father's house.
In the course of time the wife of Judah, Shua's daughter, died. When Judah was comforted, he went up to Timnah to his sheepshearers, he and his friend Hirah the Adullamite.  And when Tamar was told, “Your father-in-law is going up to Timnah to shear his sheep,” she took off her widow's garments and covered herself with a veil, wrapping herself up, and sat at the entrance to Enaim, which is on the road to Timnah. For she saw that Shelah was grown up, and she had not been given to him in marriage.  When Judah saw her, he thought she was a prostitute, for she had covered her face.  He turned to her at the roadside and said, “Come, let me come in to you,” for he did not know that she was his daughter-in-law. She said, “What will you give me, that you may come in to me?”   He answered, “I will send you a young goat from the flock.”  And she said, “If you give me a pledge, until you send it—”   He said, “What pledge shall I give you?” She replied, “Your signet and your cord and your staff that is in your hand.” So he gave them to her and went in to her, and she conceived by him.  Then she arose and went away, and taking off her veil she put on the garments of her widowhood.
When Judah sent the young goat by his friend the Adullamite to take back the pledge from the woman's hand, he did not find her.  And he asked the men of the place, “Where is the cult prostitute who was at Enaim at the roadside?” And they said, “No cult prostitute has been here.”   So he returned to Judah and said, “I have not found her. Also, the men of the place said, ‘No cult prostitute has been here.’”   And Judah replied, “Let her keep the things as her own, or we shall be laughed at. You see, I sent this young goat, and you did not find her.”  About three months later Judah was told, “Tamar your daughter-in-law has been immoral.  Moreover, she is pregnant by immorality.”  And Judah said, “Bring her out, and let her be burned.”   As she was being brought out, she sent word to her father-in-law, “By the man to whom these belong, I am pregnant.” And she said, “Please identify whose these are, the signet and the cord and the staff.”   Then Judah identified them and said, “She is more righteous than I, since I did not give her to my son Shelah.” And he did not know her again.
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Here's the gist:

• Judah (son of Jacob) has three boys named Er, Onan, and Shelah.
• Judah "took a wife" for Er named Tamar.
• Er "was wicked in the sight of the Lord" and the Lord puts him to death.
• Judah tells Onan to have sex ("...perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her...") with the now-widowed Tamar and raise the child for his now-dead brother. 
• Onan apparently decides to masturbate instead (using Tamar's vagina) and then "waste the semen on the ground."

#7 Killer Rape (Genesis 34)

An entire chapter this time!  Feel free to read the passage immediately below, but if all of those words are looking kinda "no thanks", don't fret, I'll have a summary at the beginning of my... review.
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Genesis 34

Now Dinah the daughter of Leah, whom she had borne to Jacob, went out to see the women of the land.  And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, the prince of the land, saw her, he seized her and lay with her and humiliated her.  And his soul was drawn to Dinah the daughter of Jacob. He loved the young woman and spoke tenderly to her.  So Shechem spoke to his father Hamor, saying, “Get me this girl for my wife.”

Now Jacob heard that he had defiled his daughter Dinah. But his sons were with his livestock in the field, so Jacob held his peace until they came.  And Hamor the father of Shechem went out to Jacob to speak with him.  The sons of Jacob had come in from the field as soon as they heard of it, and the men were indignant and very angry, because he had done an outrageous thing in Israel by lying with Jacob's daughter, for such a thing must not be done.  But Hamor spoke with them, saying, “The soul of my son Shechem longs for your daughter. Please give her to him to be his wife.  Make marriages with us. Give your daughters to us, and take our daughters for yourselves.  You shall dwell with us, and the land shall be open to you. Dwell and trade in it, and get property in it.”  Shechem also said to her father and to her brothers, “Let me find favor in your eyes, and whatever you say to me I will give.  Ask me for as great a bride price and gift as you will, and I will give whatever you say to me. Only give me the young woman to be my wife.”

The sons of Jacob answered Shechem and his father Hamor deceitfully, because he had defiled their sister Dinah.  They said to them, “We cannot do this thing, to give our sister to one who is uncircumcised, for that would be a disgrace to us.  Only on this condition will we agree with you—that you will become as we are by every male among you being circumcised.  Then we will give our daughters to you, and we will take your daughters to ourselves, and we will dwell with you and become one people.  But if you will not listen to us and be circumcised, then we will take our daughter, and we will be gone.”

Their words pleased Hamor and Hamor's son Shechem.  And the young man did not delay to do the thing, because he delighted in Jacob's daughter. Now he was the most honored of all his father's house.  So Hamor and his son Shechem came to the gate of their city and spoke to the men of their city, saying, “These men are at peace with us; let them dwell in the land and trade in it, for behold, the land is large enough for them. Let us take their daughters as wives, and let us give them our daughters.  Only on this condition will the men agree to dwell with us to become one people—when every male among us is circumcised as they are circumcised.  Will not their livestock, their property and all their beasts be ours? Only let us agree with them, and they will dwell with us.”  And all who went out of the gate of his city listened to Hamor and his son Shechem, and every male was circumcised, all who went out of the gate of his city.

On the third day, when they were sore, two of the sons of Jacob, Simeon and Levi, Dinah's brothers, took their swords and came against the city while it felt secure and killed all the males.  They killed Hamor and his son Shechem with the sword and took Dinah out of Shechem's house and went away.  The sons of Jacob came upon the slain and plundered the city, because they had defiled their sister.  They took their flocks and their herds, their donkeys, and whatever was in the city and in the field.  All their wealth, all their little ones and their wives, all that was in the houses, they captured and plundered.

Then Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, “You have brought trouble on me by making me stink to the inhabitants of the land, the Canaanites and the Perizzites. My numbers are few, and if they gather themselves against me and attack me, I shall be destroyed, both I and my household.”   But they said, “Should he treat our sister like a prostitute?”
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  Here's the gist:

• Jacob's daughter, Dinah, went out "to see the women of the land." 
• The prince of the land, Shechem, kidnaps her and rapes her. 
• He liked what he raped saw and fell in love with her.  Following which he then "spoke tenderly to her."  God's plan isn't all rape. 

#6 Sex and Drugs and Polygamy (Genesis 30:15-16)

Genesis 30:15-16

But she said to her, “Is it a small matter that you have taken away my husband? Would you take away my son's mandrakes also?” Rachel said, “Then he may lie with you tonight in exchange for your son's mandrakes.”  When Jacob came from the field in the evening, Leah went out to meet him and said, “You must come in to me, for I have hired you with my son's mandrakes.” So he lay with her that night.
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  For those who may be confused, here’s the story:
  (v14)Jacob’s son Reuben found some mandrakes (commonly used as narcotics throughout history) and gave them to his mother, Leah.  Leah, wife #1 of Jacob, is approached by Rachel (wife #2) who asks for some of the mandrakes.  The two made an agreement that in exchange for the mandrakes, Jacob would have sex with Leah that night.  Leah met Jacob in the field later that day, told him “At the cost of some fruit, I hired you for sex tonight.  Let’s go.”  Jacob went “in unto her” and (v17)God gave her a kid.

  (v1-8)Bonus sex: Jacob slept ("as a wife") with Rachel's servant, Bilhah, per Rachel's command, and had two sons named Dan and Naphtali.  (v9-13)Jacob's other wife, Leah, then gave Jacob her servant, Zilpah, to sleep with and make babies (Gad and Asher) with.  While it caused a lot of tension between his wives, the ancestry business was goin' good for Jacob!

#5 Father Abraham had Many Sons (Through Many Lovers) (Genesis 25:6)

Genesis 25:6

But to the sons of his concubines Abraham gave gifts, and while he was still living he sent them away from his son Isaac, eastward to the east country.
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  (Isaiah41:8)(2Chronicles20:7)(James2:23)Abraham was described as “God’s friend” multiple times, (Hebrews11)is listed in the Bible's “Hall of Faith”, (Genesis20:7)was called "a prophet" by God himself, (Genesis 17:5)and was chosen by God to be “the father of many nations.”  I guess the more sexual partners you have the easier it is to start populating multiple nations.  I wonder if God blessed him with the sexual stamina to get so much "knowing" done or if Abraham had to ride a camel to 7-Eleven for some gas station pills?  Would those be kosher?  As opposed to banging your not-your-wife.